Continuum

I am wrestling with my mind

as she pulls me in one direction

opening scenes of destruction

while calling me to its opposite end

invoking peace and reconciliation

I am wrestling with the questions

that pop up like bubbles in water

coming up to the surface questioning

the meaning of greed and suffering

causing tears in the eyes of so many

I am wrestling with my feelings 

as the jump off a cliff taking

my heart along for the ride

while I keep calling myself back

into the breath that calms me

I wrestle with the impending 

forces warring within me

about the meaning of creation

and the path of destruction

in human history 

I wrestle with the question

if there a way to hold 

a spiritual myth big enough

to contain the continuum 

residing in existence itself 

So I pray, I chant

I dance my prayers

crying for the pain of the whole

always held by the trust 

that we are not alone

that we are loved

May we be all held in trust

May we all be loved

May we all know

that we are not alone

This is my prayer 

 

Washington July 2021

I must write

to you

I ask

what is on my heart

since my mind is vacant

I am chasing thoughts

unable to catch them

before they disappear

around the corner

I see

and empty grieving mind

is not free, just frozen, images

scattered rusty leaves

aimlessly floating

behind my eyes, as I sit

staring into space

I watch

my wandering thoughts

walking down corridors

of a now foreign airport

filled with tired travelers

weary of each other

shielded by vacant stares

I feel

boarding a plane today

grief tearing down

the refuge of isolation

signaling the poignant loss

of the innocent reality

of coming home to his love

I miss

knowing my father 

will not be home

when I return, to ask me

"alors on the voit quand?"

in his need to have me close

and feel his world complete

I sense

I am afraid of the melancholic

nostalgia of his nearness

stretching over the years

as I have yet to live on my own

traveling the human world

absent of his tenderness

I trust 

that in the meantime

I will find him

swimming in the ocean

dancing under the vault 

of starry night skies

with trusting abandon

Daddy

I´ll miss you as I move on

holding memories past and present

aligning the arch of time

for us to meet again

in the eternal breath of time

uniting all that we ultimately are 

 

I hear words free flowing inside my head, drawn by currents of thoughts that are contrasting, opposing, conflicted. They wrestle inside me for days until they are ready to come through, my skin prickles, my heart rate increases and I sit before you.

They are ready.

My mind fluctuates between sorrow for the price that is paid by so many who are unprotected, in denial, resistant, exposed, vulnerable, misinformed, obliged to stand in the forefront of this tidal wave that ruthlessly rips away the mantles of illusion that we hold dear, that we are in control, that we could live in a world free from suffering, that we exist as islands, separate from the whole.

If you hurt, I hurt. If we hurt, everybody hurts.

These is so much suffering surfacing through the layers of our consciousness, old fears of monsters awaiting in childhood closets, dangers lurking in the shadows, a suspense that makes us hold our breath when we think of a future unknown. We thread carefully along the pathways of loneliness and isolation whether we live alone or are negotiating a space shared with others. Our humanity, my humanity, is interwoven with historical grief and suffering.

Some mornings, after a restless night, as I rise with an uncertain breath, steadying myself for another day of this life, the only one there is, I begin to move with a weary heart and a silent soul asking for guidance, inspiration and calm.

These thoughts raise tension and battles inside me when I feel a gratitude so deep it makes my heart weep; to have a home, to be able to continue to work, to learn how to make bread, to write or sculpt, as I hold myself still.

Saying yes to the battlefield alive inside me is saying yes to streams of hope, confidence and trust that we will find our communal way through these times, and open myself to moments of fury, of unconsolable despair, fear and regret. It is the willingness to say yes to death in all its forms and expressions, trusting the rebirth of Life in a new way.

In gestures so inherent to my everyday living I continuously bring my hands to rest on my body, allowing the graceful energy of Reiki to soothe and quieten my grief, fear and worry. I often bring my hands together holding the ones I love and who ask for my company from afar.

I found in the making of this sculpture a way to express my grief of loss and love that continues to unveil the miraculous delicacy of deep affection and devotion. She accompanies me in my daily practice.

May we all hold the powerful grace of paradox lightly, generously and courageously, as we witness the birthing of a new era.

New Wind

There is a spectacle out my window

the wind rises, fiercely grabbing every branch intent on testing its capacity to writhe,

leaves stubbornly holding on, showing their underside like schools of trout flashing scales mirroring the light of the rising moon

The wind extends its reach towards me, long fingers winding around crevices,

usurping nooks and filling crannies, composing high pitched tunes of wistful melodies

about empty cracks and lost spaces, lone wolves howling finding their way up the back stairs

and slipping in under my door, curling at my feet.

I listen to the call, feeling the ripples this lament brings

stirring my heart with lyrics of passion and heartbreak,

igniting the recesses of my mind, sparking lanterns

in the labyrinths of the complex world we inhabit.

I find myself praying “let all this be meaningful,

may we remember to cradle, give breath and foster

the living gift this pause is offering in the making of a better world”.

I am held by my roots, feeling the sap rising-up my spine

flowing out into my limbs, ready to withstand the swing and pull of standing tall

as I look out my window to life and death, night and day, here and there, love and hate,

you and me, within and without, us and them, truth and lies, fear and trust,

rest and sleeplessness, tears and laughter, prayer and blissful stillness.

Everyday.

I greet the soulful tunes coursing through the veins of the choices I make,

the tenderness for the ones I love,

the thoughts I let in amongst the onslaught of change shaking my bones,

showing the soft underbelly of trust, claiming patience,

discernment and kindness as we prepare for an unknown partnership

we have yet to meet.

The wind has gone, all is silent now

I am resting knowing tomorrow

I will be called again until it is time

to show up.

As times passes we look back

into the life that was

looking for keys

that no longer sing

the familiar tunes of

the melody we once knew

As times passes we breathe

beneath layers

of woven fabric

releasing humid fibers

obstructing the intricacy

of sacred air passages

As times passes we feel

between our ribs

unknown heartbeats

erratically marking time

beneath the wings

of our collarbone

As time passes our brain rattles

deciphering mysteries

of an unknown so vast

it encompasses nightmares

of a voracious organism

hiding in a persons´ breath

As time passes the delicacy

of our nervous system

adapts to the imperious

call to extend its sensitive

tentacles gathering data

about new forms of being

As time passes

we unveil untouched fields

of stubborn adaptability

curbed frustration becomes

ever renewed determination

to preserve Life

Time passes as sand

between our fingers

we loose track forgetting

the maps we once drew

now called to stillness

as we become, better.

 I shiver to the radiance of translucent skin

When rays shine upon it

veins spreading like wings taking flight

reaching out to bring life at its own pace

fuzzy tendrils reaching towards the morning sun

inciting growth to extend as far as possible

in its incessant quest to radiate

the unique potential it contains

I also see the other end, when the skin

becomes translucent as life retreats

deep into the bones of such frailty

that veins come to the surface

of a skin as thin as the most delicate petals

announcing the end of a journey well lived

I see the ache in the tides of the nature of Love

permeating every living thing

 In the name of my father

1927 - 2021

With you I learned about Love

I learned to love the sanctuary of your profound silence

I loved whispering in your ear words only meant for you

I loved holding hands while watching golf tournaments, on mute

I loved watching you admiring squirrels zoom on the edge of the balcony

I loved seeing you eating mom´s shortbread cookies as if they were chips

With you I learned about patience and focus

Your hands repaired anything that was broken and needed fixing

So many tools, bolts, screws of all sizes, cords carefully categorized

How I loved opening drawers neatly organized, knowing where things were

The sewing box next to you on the couch while you stitched ripped clothes

Gave us all a sense of safety that brokenness could be mended

With you I learned about kindness and generosity

I could always approach you and speak my mind and my heart, fearlessly

You gave us space, Denis and I reading comics, while you read your paper before school

Teaching us to practice the sports you loved with fierce determination

Always open to greet our friends and host them, playing cards and badminton with us

You are the most generous, affectionate, gentlest grandfather to my daughters and the little ones

With you I learned about the power of sheer stubbornness

Your will to be self-sufficient and master the movements of an aging body

Pushing back against the unyielding strain of a slow decline

I am witness to the times you diminished the pain of so many falls

Only to comfort and reassure the ones around you that all was well

Denying the herald of a time when you would leave your wife and family behind

Now rest dear father of mine for your journey has moved on

May your flight be unencumbered, open to the spaciousness of mobility

I imagine you, as you once told me a cherished memory,

You, ecstatically dancing under water in the mists of a squad of stingrays

May the joy to be free from suffering always be with you

You are forever in me, the ones that love you and the ones you loved

Until we meet again

Your loving daughter